The term ‘Antiquing’  has become a word, a verb, an action popular with creative souls, ambitious domestic deities, daytime home & garden talk show hosts and just about anybody on you tube. I thank them all for inspiring the rest of us to take something perfectly new – and hopefully functional -and turn it into an old, beat-up version of itself in the name of art, décor and hot trends.  Truly, these days, what was old is new again!   But, as simple as an you tube video likes to make the process in a few minutes from start to finish, antiquing ain’t for the faint of heart, the clean freaks, those who value their clothes, nails and the rest of their belongings.  Why? Because it’s hard to escape antiquing yourself to some degree when you attempt this undertaking. Not to mention distressing unintended surfaces around you. Unless, of course, you take on the task with vigor and determination somewhere outside, away from civilization and you wear a body suit complete with goggles and space boots.

One perfectly fine Saturday I decided to expand my creative repertoire with a new hobby. The subjects of my endeavor: the miss-matched stools in my kitchen and some wooden frames I found at Salvation Army. I knew that by the time I’m done I would have reinvented – and perfected – the craft of antiquing. No creative action is daunting to me but, I know now, some do expand our realism quotient more than others.

Armed with the sandpaper in hand, sans gloves, because that’s for amateurs, and enough enthusiasm to antique an entire furniture store in a short afternoon, I proceed! Five minutes into the repetitive, monotone and messy act of sanding I realized I was going to be there a while. The progress is slow and tedious and you start to look like a sack of flour fell on your head shortly into it.

After the heroic perseverance it takes to complete step one, you realize that this is only the prep. stage and the road ahead is long and arduous. The enthusiasm is starting to wear at the edges just a little. Now you wipe down with a damp cloth the surface you sanded, followed by a dry cloth, forgetting to wipe yourself because, what’s the point at this stage!?

This is when the fun really begins. The you tube video I watched showed a burly man hitting the chair with a chain at various angles to instantaneously create the scrapes and dents that time would have added. The man made it look like child’s play. One swollen knuckle later (which still hurts five weeks later) my chair looked nothing like his. Good thing there was more to explore and I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Behold, the first coat of whatever colour or stain you chose is about to go on. My vision of this step involved effortless strokes of perfect pigment covering the surface as they slide across, transforming the old chair into a different entity right before my eyes.  This is when the streaking and running of paint down the chair legs started. I hurried to pass the brush across the running paint again and again to …stabilize it and spread it uniformly. By the end of the first coat the chair looked like the victim of a really bad paint job with the old colour showing through and no stunning (or believable) antiquing effects on the horizon.  I was too covered in sanding dust and paint by this point with enough chipped nails to tell the tale for me to stop.  Two more coats later with breaks in between for drying, a new colour covered the chair, but it rendered it far from impressive.

In comes the next stage. Making the chair look ….dirty! The desired effect is to add a darker shade in the corners and areas where time would have layered wear and tear most. Here I had to move really fast, maneuvering the brush and a sponge and applying some talent because the paint dries really fast and the difference between the antiquing effect and an amateur job is milliseconds apart.

The final stage is strategically sanding the edges to emphasize the worn out look and adding a layer of lacquer to seal in the masterpiece.

When I was done I felt a sense of accomplishment that was only matched by my first stick figure in kindergarten. The one that my mom wow’d at to humor and encourage me to keep pestering her with more stick figures – for the sake of developing my artistic talents.

My objectivity was not available for comment as I beamed looking at the chair from every angle for the entire afternoon. The frames were easier, and more enjoyable to do.

Will I attempt ‘antiquing’ again? Of course!! I’m just getting started! I totally nailed this! After seeing the price tag of a set of drawers in a boutique shop on main street, my plans have only gotten more ambitious. Stay tuned! And…call me to commiserate if you are ever tempted to do the same!